Number One Drug
Ah, Bikini Bottom. A perfect name for a town in a kids show. Luckily this isn't a kids show! Anyway, Bikini Bottom is home to many creatures including SpongeBob who lives in a..... pineapple? SpongeBob: (steps out of the house) That's me, bitches! Yes, that's SpongeBob all right... Have you heard about the birds? Maybe the bees? What about SpongeBob haven't you heard? The Birds, The Bees and SpongeBob! [The scene cuts to The Krusty Krab where SpongeBob is grilling up Krabby Patties] SpongeBob: This is ridiculous! I'm 40 and forced to work at this shitty restaurant! They should've changed the name to The Krusty Crap years ago! Squidward: (through window) But I thought you loved this place? SpongeBob: I did but I've worked here all my life! 20 years I've been here! 20 f*****g years! Squidward: Well it's like I always say. I take the order and you cook it. You give it to the customer and we start again. We do this for fifty years the we die! So if you're not happy shove all your curse words up Krabs' mouth! SpongeBob: No Squidward, you don't understand! Squidward: I've worked here longer than you and I hate it here! Bet you don't know how I feel! SpongeBob: But Squi- Squidward: SPONGEBOB! I've hated this pile of shit far longer than you have and I've worked here since I was twelve and I've always hated it. And just now your mouth barfs out your stinking f-bombs right now! You're an a*****e, that's what you are! An a*****e! Customer: Yeah I'd like a- (Squidward fires a gun at him) Squidward: Do you get what I mean now? SpongeBob: Sure. (to himself) I wish this place would get more exciting. Speakers: Ding dong! Can all employees please report to Mr. Craps- I mean Krabs' office please. [Scene shows SpongeBob and Squidward entering Mr. Krabs' office] SpongeBob: Why'd you call us here, Eugene? Mr. Krabs: Oh, it's nothing I suppose. Just that I found this! (holds up a red bottle labelled Mind Drug) SpongeBob: (gasps) Mr. Krabs you couldn't! Mr. Krabs: Oh yes I could. Squidward: A mind drug? What's a mind drug? Mr. Krabs: Try it. (Squidward drinks it and starts twerking) SpongeBob: What's he doing? (Squidward acts like a chicken) Mr. Krabs: I dunno, the drink just has awkward side effects. (Squidward poops out a egg) SpongeBob: (picks up the egg) Yum. (throws it out of the window) Mr. Krabs: Good lad, you won't need that where you're going. SpongeBob: Where exactly am I- No! I am not drinking that! Mr. Krabs: Why? I need more test subjects! (Squidward runs into the dining area and screaming can be heard) SpongeBob: You son of a bitch! Look what he's doing now! (weird noises are heard) Mr. Krabs: Yeah, he turned on my cheap television! SpongeBob: Obviously but we can't let the bottomites drink that! Mr. Krabs: Your right, I'll alter it a bit and release it tomorrow. [bubbles come in as the day passes. At about lunchtime Mr. Krabs walks into SpongeBob's work space] Mr. Krabs: SpongeBob! The mind drug is complete! (he holds up a bottle labelled milk) SpongeBob: Milk... yeah. Get out of my life, bitch. (storms off) Mr. Krabs: See ya!